


It Still Haunts Me, So Please Stay

by Sootgremlins



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Flashbacks, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 09:56:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9066811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sootgremlins/pseuds/Sootgremlins
Summary: Jim thought he was over it. Really he did, it had been years since he had even really put much thought into it. Then, of course, someone had to say something, to rip the bandage from the wound and leave it open again. A rather boring professor had said it, Tarsus IV, and that's all it took to send him running from the room.





	

Jim thought he was over it. Really he did, it had been years since he had even really put much thought into it. Then, of course, someone had to say something, to rip the bandage from the wound and leave it open again. A rather boring professor had said it, Tarsus IV, and that's all it took to send him running from the room. It was pouring outside the sky opening up and letting fall buckets of cold water, which slipped into the ground and back into the bay.

The water slipped into the collar of his cadet reds, but he didn’t notice the creeping cold, as his feet sloshed through puddles and mud other cadets scurrying around in search of shelter from the downpour. His mind was only telling him one thing, Tarsus. Jim wasn’t sure how he made it back to his room, the autopilot in his head taking over every action as he felt his vision blur, but not from the rain.

He peeled off the uniform which was clinging to his skin, leaving him in a pair of underwear. He was shivering and sweating and his mind wouldn’t tell him anything useful at the moment. His legs told him to collapse, to curl up and never get up. He could just lay down, and never get up again, just like all the others on Tarsus, they would never get up again.

Instead, he pulled himself onto the bed, and pulled up all the covers and sheets, balling himself into something akin to nest. Only then did he let the harsh bitter sobs escape. There were no tears, almost no sound. Just the strangled noises that no one would ever hear he told himself, he could just stay here, lay down never get up just like the others did on that cursed world. No one needed him if he just disappeared like he deserved because he survived and they didn’t.

Someone was knocking on the door, vaguely he heard the voice of a friend, or was it the guards coming to take him and the others away? He had tried to hide the others, he really did, he found a spot to put them, but now the guards were going to find them, and take them away also.

Then someone was there near him, and he needed to run, but he had to save the others, he was their leader, he couldn’t leave them behind his job was to save them.

“Jim,” it was one word, that vaguely registered as his name, “Please, Jim talk to me.”

Being jerked back to the present by the sound of the voice, Jim stilled. He stopped breathing too, trying to be quiet, and the voice was back, “Jim, please just breathe, it’s just me, Bones.”

Slowly Jim pulled the covers down, to reveal his head, he wouldn’t let anyone see him like this, except for Bones. 

“Bones,” he croaked.

“Yeah kid, it's me,” the words were rather familiar, they were the same words that he said when Jim showed up drunk and hurt in his quarters. The same words that were spoken to him when he got into fights and could barely see straight. 

“I’m so sorry, I couldn’t I-I, couldn’t save them, it’s all my fault-”

“Hey, listen, I don’t know what it is, but it’s okay Jim, you’re here, I’m here, what do you need me to do?” That was the voice that Leonard used when he was in doctor mode, calm and reassuring. The way he could carefully diagnose and treat an injury in a level-headed way.

“Can you hold me?” it was a soft whisper and Jim felt stupid, he wasn’t a four-year-old, he didn’t need to be held.

McCoy didn’t think he was stupid, because suddenly there was a pair of strong arms wrapped around him and it was so warm, secure, and comforting, and he did need this. 

“Just breathe, I’ve got you don’t worry,” Leonard told him, and Jim shuddered and went lax in the set of arms and pile of blankets.

It could have been minutes or hours, but it didn’t really matter until Jim broke the silence, “I was on Tarsus IV,” he had never talked about it before to anyone, not really. With those simple words, the dam that had held back everything since he had left the godforsaken place, broke and the words spilled out, “I was there when Kodos made the order. I ran away, with a few other kids, I was the oldest,” he paused for a moment as he felt Bones stiffen slightly, he waited to be shoved away, but instead the grip tightened, “We ran and hid, and I don’t know how, but a few of us made it out, but I was sure I was going to fail.”

“Jesus Jim, no one should have to go through that, let alone a kid.” Jim could hear the tears in the other voice, everyone knew about Tarsus and its horrors with the death that had taken place on its soil, but almost no one knew the names of the nine who survived, “How old were you?”

Jim knew that Leonard didn’t need an answer, he would never force Jim to say anything he didn’t want but Bones deserved to know, “Eleven.” 

The arms around him pulled him impossibly closer, and a hand came and cupped the back of Jim’s head pulling it to the other man's chest his cheek resting on the fabric there. Jim could hear a heartbeat, it was strong, and it was there and beating under Jim’s ear.

“Please don’t leave me,” once again Jim felt like a child making a foolish demand.

“I’m not leaving you, Jim, not ever.”


End file.
